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15 DRINKS AND WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT YOU

BY KAIJAII GOMEZ WICK

Slutty Shirley Temple--you need to stop
wearing that red lipstick. Its bold contrasts
your personality. You're going
to graduate high school soon,
and I know the stomachclenched terror
of first day of orientation, but the
vodkasloshed dixie cup won't help any.

Cosmo--you know the strength
of your fingers. It's time to
learn the strength of your no.

Everclear and grape juice--you are not a horse.
You would be terrible at being a horse.
Turn off Mumford and Sons and pay your credit card bill.

Godiva liqueur--you miss the days of silent
movies and your old hearing aids, the times
when you would dance and not have to
worry about anyone else's ankles.
Please buy a vibrator.

Pear wine--your sweet tooth doesn't hurt
anybody. Don't worry about your love of
Steven Universe and fleece pajamas.
Drink that glass with sprinkles of lavender.

Manhattan--you argue too much with
your sister, every word a thrown gauntlet.

Gin and tonic--you're dying and you've
drunk this for fiftyplus years, and it's
never good to drink when on morphine,
but you don't give a fuck. Your kids sneak
you them inbetween long sidesplitting stories
of plums and bees, elephants and moths.

Absinthe--you have far too much money.
I hope you choke on your silver spoon.

Mango margarita--you have hair like a
worstkept secret. Please tell me what
conditioner you use, and less about
your raw vegan diet.