Page 12 - Contrast1991Fall

HUGS, KISSES, AND BACKRUBS

Auntie Mame, In the movie of that title, complained, "Why did I buy him those
damn long pants?" In Mame's day, a youngster's first pair of slacks symbolized his
passage out of childhood, and so Marne blamed herself for Patrick's growing up. Like
so many women who have raised sons, Mame lamented that the once adoring,
dependent child no longer needed her.

Although pants no longer function as one of the rites of adulthood, I suspect
that today's signs are just as clear. My son Adam's first assertion of Independence

was his refusal of his nightly back rub. For ten or fifteen minutes each night, he d
would mumble his prayers and then practically melt into the mattress as I lightly s~d
my fingers across his back. "Lighter, Mom, lighter, please," he'd murmur. Then he
dreamily reveal some recent inCident or fear, or ask me about God or death. Finally,
When other responsibilities drew me away or When my arm was nearly num b, I'd
tenderly kiss his cheek and whisper, "Good night." Usually he'd beg me into ru bbing
for another few minutes, and finally would mumble, "Thanks Mom" as I slippe d out.
For years I conSidered the routine somewhat of a chore.

The back rubs continued until the arguments began at age twelve or so. other

mothers I know have had the same battles with their sons. It's possible to recognIZe

such rebellion as a necessary step toward independence, but It's not easy. Mothers

want to continue mothering. One night after a particularly loud argument, as he

slammed his door Adam yelled, "And you can't rub my back anymore!" A few nights

later he exclaimed, "And don't bother ktsetng me good night eltherl"

At first, I chuckled and, frankly, welcomed the release from the nightly duty.

But soon I started to miss our quiet times together. Worse, I realized that he

meant to enforce the "no more kisses" edict. Hugs were also taboo. I, wh0 hadSO
loVinglycared for him from infancy. was not permUted to touch him.

Not until a few months before Adam left for college did he let me kiss him "

occasionally as he left to go out. This past June, when he headed "down the Ocean
for Senior Week. I managed to sneak In a hug With my kiss. Now our greetings
always include a strong embrace.

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