Page 23 - Contrast1971Spring

I lay my forearm flat on the table and rested my forehead on it, again closing my eyes. I

started sobbing. That enraged me, to display such weakness, and snapping erect I slapped my-

self violently with my right hand. Again and again till I couldn't anymore. My cheeks stung and

I blessed it as a vestige of something that was real, that I understood.

I saw the door in my mind standing closed where it should have been, and I sprang for it,
_overturning the chair in the process. Flattening against the wall which had taken its place I

beat and kicked furiously, desperately. I butted my head against it. Even in the most realistic

of illusions I would have suffered cuts from the breaking glass had the door really been there.

These would have been a sign that the impossible was not really happening to me. Nothing. I

felt the strongest impulse to scream out, to scream and cry, to somehow express the terror, the

nausea, the frustration that was infa?tile in its magnitude. I stifled the desire and returning to

the table, righted the chair and sat back down. I reached over the stove and grabbed the coffee-

pot. It was still warm and I pulled the cup I had used for breakfast out of the sink, filling it be-

fore me. I had to calm myself, it was essential. I was too close to snapping under the pressure

and once I did I knew I was lost, forever.

I was still shaking maddeningly, I had forgotten it and the coffee I spilled raismg the cup to

my lips was a frightening reminder. I set the cup down and held both hands out in front of me

trying desperately to stop the vibrating. I concentrated for all I was worth, not daring to look

at the -wall I knew prevented my exit. Slowly, very slowly I quieten my nerves. It must have

taken many minutes for when I lifted the cup again to my lips the coffee was cold. I tossed the

stuff into the sink and refilled. I was rational now, my breathing slow and measured.

Slowly, I shifted my eyes to where the door should have been. The wall remained silent,

oppressive, ominous. Again explanations were flashing to me only to be struck down as absurd

I examined the wall, this time cooly, with great interest. The situation, in the light of my new

calmness, was beginning to strike me as humorous but when the first trace of a smile appeared
- ,
-
,

the fear swept- it away.. The terror was' not gone by any means, I was just hiding it, I couldn't

shake it. Again I felt the impulse to heave myself through a window, to run, but this problem
~"" ._,/
, . ... - '

still held me with its magnetism, it interested me. It was bizarre.