Page 12 - Contrast1962v6n1

early man as he watched the growth of a storm-the blind, exalted
fear of the unknown. Lightning again displayed to me the stretches
of my domain, and I felt that I had to appease the wrath of the forces
around me. An irresistible instinct caused me to throw back my head
and spread my arms in pagan adoration of the moon glowing in a
shadowy crescent above me. It is impossible to know how long I stood
frozen in that attitude; at some point, however, I became aware that
my hair was getting wet, and I ran into the house.

The frenzy of emotion that I had experienced was gone and left
only a restlessness behind to verify its existence. Trembling inside
the doorway, I tried to understand the latent feelings which had sur-
faced for that brief instant and then lapsed back into the oblivion of
my subconscious. It became very important, for some reason, that I
lose myself in the gaity of the party. Dancing and laughing, I tried
to force myself back into acceptance again, but I felt a strange guilt
inside of me, as if I were betraying someone or something. I wanted
so desperately to belong, to forget what I had seen in myself because
I was not strong enough. I could never leave the security of these
people and their ways, and I could never live without the conveni-
ences of their society. Realization of their facade brought only an-
guish to me as my face was twisted in their smile. I, too, was held in
shackles by the sham.

I had the dream again last night. I was behind a door which led
out into the darkness, and on the other side stood a leering, ape-like
man. I was trying to lock the door, but I could not. I could hear
the rasping breath of my adversary, I could imagine the hairy arms
crushing me in a death vise, but I could not force the door to lock. I
awoke, when the creature pushed against the door, but his insane
laughter continued to scream in my head. I know the beast will al-
ways be in my sleep, and I shall never be able to lock that door. I am
not strong enough to force that lock, to hold that door. It will al-
ways be opening to the darkness, and I shall have to submit.

11

10