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On Wednesday I slept in and went to the call center two hours
late. Ispent the majority of the day putting calls on hold and staring up
at the ceiling. For half an hour or more Itried tracing the outlines of the
woman's face in my mind-for an hour or more thereafter, Itraced her
body and imagined it in numerous positions. The Torah stayed tucked
away at the bottom of my knapsack, unread and neglected. Iwondered
how God must feel, looking down on me while Ifantasized about one
of his chosen people, his book completely forgotten about in the heat
of misguided animal lust. IbrieRy contemplated leafing through some
of the pamphlets, but instead Ifound myself reading through the letters
to the editor in Popular Mechanics. One of them was from T. Boone
Pickens-or a representative of his- who responded to a story about so-
lar power, using it as a springboard for covertly promoting his windmill
agenda. At least he's persistent, Ithought.

After work Iwent to the local "dent-and-bent" store and
picked up a few boxes of pasta, and one of those tremendous cans of
sauce. On the way home Ismoked three cigarettes and hummed some
pop song Iheard on the radio, then, once Iwas home, Imade pasta and
finished my pack of cigarettes. Looking in my carton, Ifound that there
were only two more, so ifIwere to quit at that moment, Iwouldn't be
losing an exorbitant amount of money. Still, Ifound myself breaking
open the second to last pack. There was nothing that interested me in
the New York Times, and nothing that interested me on the television
news. Ipulled the Torah out of my knapsack with the intention of read-
ing it, but it was far too daunting after Igot home from work. Ifinished
half a pack of cigarettes and listened to the radiator until midnight,
then fell into an uneasy sleep. Ihad a dream about the woman from the
synagogue.

Idon't want to talk about it.

§

Iwoke up on Thursday feeling like killing myself, so instead
Iwent to Central Park and fell asleep on the Sheep Meadow. Iwoke
up four hours later, unconcerned with having missed work, and really
only caring about my neck being stiff from sleeping in a bad position. I
finished off the pack of cigarettes in my pocket and stared up at the sky,
which was overcast. Finally it began to rain and so Igot up and took the
subway home. Isat in bed and attempted to pleasure myself, unenthusi-

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