Page 75 - Contrast2009

-,

clap before they go back-to sleep.

Louise ~aused. She was losirig her pr~blem in other

problems. She tried 'to remember, what her first question was,

but Cirastically overshot and found herself imagining one of

her first memories. 'Louis'e was very young, and she had been

pecked by a bird. She cried until somebody picked her up.

But she had,kept crying. It meant very little to the present

Louise. Sure, she was slightly irritated that the bird had;

died before she could get revenge. Not that she 'should be

vengeful in the 'firstplace. 'It was just some bird. And ,:~

Louise was just some s~all child that,she wasn't anymore.

All the .same, '

It~as ai the point that Louise lost he~ focus ~nd

found herself in the middle of a mental nowhere that

Louise remembered. The terror was off somewhere to the

side, answers were still nowhere to be seen, but, Louise

realized something. In mistaking polite interaction (even,

she supposed wisely, politically correct flirting) for an

invitation to real human conversation, Louise had 'made a

complete fool of herself. 'If only she could have been quiet.

She thought she looked, so much 'smarter when she stayed

quiet. '

Louise tried to tell herself that the man was gone, that

it was a.big city and she would never see him again. He was

a suit anyway. Who cared what he thought? Or maybe he was a,

real human being. He could empathize. He would understand

these kinds of things. But that didn't really ma t t er i Louise

sighed. She was feeling insecure and stupid and ashamed of

her behavior,',and she warrted to go home. At least the. clerk

hadn' t' seen ,her. He' hap 'been busy feeding the ~ish in the

corner. _ ,',

They were big, white fish. Probably ti~apia. They'stared,

out from the'tank with blank eyes. Louise hadn't noticed

them until n~w. '

Louise felt like the best,tl')ingto do would be to buy

,something to drink and have ~,i::iga,rette,A:n,d maybe she"

would start feeling better. She walked over to the drinks.

:She'kept thinking. She couldn't stop, it was' eating her up

, inside. Lpuise lamented the fact that she hadn't taken a

moment and looked at herself while talking to ,the man. It

,would have fixed everything, she thought. She wondered if she

was doing the same thing now, if her entire life had been

walking forward with its eyes ~lQsed until it fellbff a

cliff. She wondered if she had to.

And in the midst of these' thoughts about thin-king,

L~uise <i':aughat hold of something, pulled, and everything

fell away into white. Lou i se was seeing herself. But she was

still thinking. She couldn't stop thinking. And as soon'as

-she recognized that"she was seeing herself, she saw h~rs~lf