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Richard Mann
What They Call Me
A baby name book from a grocery shelf, names: Ren, which was never explained to me
the kind sandwiched between the popular tab- at all, and Tockla, because, while pregnant, my
loids, said that the name Richard comes from aunt had a dream that she transformed into a
the old German and means "powerful leader." Black Tabby and gallivanted around the house
According to my parents, I am named Rich- before she gave birth to a litter of calico kittens.
ard, simply because they like the name. My My cousin also has two last names, but only
grandmother always insisted that I was named because her parents were too young to attend
after King Richard the Lion-Hearted, and even Woodstock and decided to make up for it with
.bought me a purple-framed artist's impression a subversive lifestyle.
of the historical figure, who the baby book tells Common shortenings or nicknames for
me brought a crusading spirit to the name, as an the name Richard include: Rich, Rick, Richie,
unwanted Christmas gift eleven days after my Dick, and Ricky. None of these are my name,
seventh birthday. My aunt told me that I was but then again neither is "Pumpkin" or any of
named after one of her high school boyfriends, the other things my mother calls me when I
and with her self-involved wit she would con- make a surprise visit home. In preschool an un-
tinuously say, "You know it is true. If I named fortunate error in the creation of the "banana-
my daughter Francesca then your father would fo-fana" name game resulted in many of the
say that she was named after his high school girls calling me "Richard-Bitchard" cautiously
girlfriend." It is impossible to find holes in this- when the teacher's back was turned, while the
type of logic, and from my dad's one hand on boys of my single sex middle school discov~red
the wheel and half an eye on the road verbal that the nickname Dick could be combmed
biography, I do know that he had a girlfriend with my last name, Mann, to create an interest-
with this name, although he does sometimes ing superheroesque title. In high school all of
refer to her as Franny when he tells the story the students, except me, were referred to solely
about how he found a fifty dollar bill in the by their last names, but since my father had
pocket of the suit he rented for prom. full possession of our last name, my peers were
If I had been born a girl, my parents in- rLooced to use my first name (only. after .they fe.lt
the full effect of my dissatisfactlon WIth.thelr
sist that they would have named me Ester and paotpsuhloarrtieznein"g'A")r.d A small sect of fnends
matt.eedmptots .
called me Polly for short. My mother's moth~r's as a nickname. , but
maiden name had been Ester and my father ISa the movement quickly lost steam and disband-
comedian who spends his days teaching chem- ed before it really caught on. ,a
istry. In this vain he was somehow allowed to
name his sister's daughter. Her name is Alche-
my, but they call her Al for short. Common
responses that I get when I tell people the name
. 1" "was she born
are, "oh what a poor glf or iddle
with really bad jaun diIce;.>" She has two rru
