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laugh and trace her finger down my face and her head into my chest, touched every curve
then kiss me slowly.
of my arm, and fell asleep.
And the day that Idid what all boys must
I thought of all of this the day her dad
do, make that one huge mistake that can nev- stumbled into my house. It was three days
er be fixed, Iwas thinking of her in all of her before we were to leave for co11ege. "How
loveliness. Icould feel her curls in my hand is Grace's packing going? Do you ne~d a~~
as I let someone else kiss my lips and touch help?" He shook my words aw~y ':Ith hi
my torso. And as this someone else traced my head and hot, red tears appeared In his eyes.
knuckles where only Grace had traced before,
"Something's wrong with Grace."
Ilet a part of myself escape forever.
His tears ripped out my heart and the
Iwas wearing tennis shoes the day Ibroke small sentence full of tiny words shattered
her heart. Ihad on those, pearls for knuckles my body. What came after was swr.r 1s o"f
and a face rushed with a storm of feelings. I words and gestures.
wanted to fall to my knees "Hospital" and" cancer
and draw for her pictures I would stretch my nailed me in the chest and
in the earth like when we hands over her delicate sucked out my air. All he
were young. Iwanted to needed, he explained to
show her how it will al- shoulders and try to me , was help with his cart
ways be her in my head. so he could get to Grace a
I wanted the beast inside Children's Hospital. Jo-

to content itself, but Iwas pour 111y wcllness into seph came down the steps
too angry then. Iburned and set out to help him,

at Joseph, at my mother, her, try to smile life into her father turned back to
me and said, with tears
at school and myself. I
burning his eyes,
wanted to change every- her hollow cheeks. "Try not to worry too
thing, even her.
much."
Surprisingly, time continued without us. Everything in my body was chum~g
Months passed; we became strangers. I still and clawing at itself, tears were streamIng

thought of her all of the time. I still pictured down my cheeks, and Icrumbled to the f1?or.
her face when Ineeded calm, and hoped that Ineeded something to hang on to, anythIng.
things were better for her over there than they
I tried to fill my frantic hands with the car-
were for me. I was never so alone as I was pet; Itried to pull my body into itself as small
then.
as I could. All I could see was Grace at age
Slowly she trusted me again. It started
with a simple smile in passing. Soon we shared eight with her big brown eyes, and my ~e.a~
all of our secrets and pains. When we were swelled with an ache that has only intensifie k
finally seniors, I took her to prom. She was to this day. I saw only darkness, pitch blac
breath-taking of course, and after the dance as the starless night. Stop, I told mysel~ ov:
we went to a house at the shore. Everything I and over in my head. You know nothing

had built up inside since the last time we had all. No solid facts to be upset about. . it
been together, all of the steel walls, crashed
in me when she slipped her arm around my Iwent that night with my mother to VI~I
shoulders and her pale dress swept along my
Grace. She was unreasonably small lvyitng Inf

the bed with what seemed like thousands 0

legs. We settled into one another that night, wires hooking her to machines. Her lips were
and my knuckles were pearls that she traced pure white; under her eyes was ~ark br;:.nj
Cancer was said, over and over It seem
her lovely fingers over. As I rocked her to tried to shield the word from ever hittiIng me.,t
sleep she told me in a whisper, "This is what
has always felt like home to me." She buried but try as Imight; it attacked me faster than 1
was attacking the love of my life.

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