Page 15 - Contrast1998

riot":;krtowing. Reasoning out the factors,
tr~v~l fout~.the time of day weather make of
car aleitness of driver sobriety of other driv-
ers ... Airbags. Seat belts. Luck, fate, God.
Crying to exhaustion, to' rawness, to useless-
ness ...T. hrowing down pill bottles and collaps- Don't leave him. And don't let him drive too
ing in a space that was never small enough.
Remember all this, and dry your face with a
tissue. Think about Wendy getting flowers
and sympathy cards, stupid tokens, stupid
things-that are not her boyfriend, things that
she does not want. You will burn them. And
when they put your boyfriend away in the
casket, you won't let morticians pancake
makeup on his fair skin and blush his cheeks,
like they did to your grandfather when you
were fifteen, as if he were a grotesque stage
corpse. Imagine yourself reaching for the boy-
friend that could be sleeping, might be sleep-
ing, and try to understand what it means to
be dead.
Leave for lunch. Act normal, but do not
smile. Hear the strains of trivial conversation-
-wedding plans, that is good pound cake,
where is the letter opener. Think of a Robert
Frost poem; And they, since they were not the
one dead, turned to their affairs. Try to forget
about it. At the cafeteria, order a turkey sand-
wich on wheat and feel sick. Doubt seriously
that Wendy can eat.
Over lunch, decide things. Marry him. Go
with him to Hyde Park. Teach middle school
and live in a small, dusty apartment while he
learns to be a chef. Don't look at other men.
much. If the news comes, go crazy like you
expect to and let them sedate you. When you
come to, put all his belongings in a fireproof,
waterproof box. Establish a scholarship fund
in his name. Cry a lot.
Go live with your gay friend who 'has an
apartment in the city. He understands the
dreams. Take turns cooking dinner every
other night. Crawl in bed with him if you get
really scared. On holidays volunteer in soup
kitchens and nursing homes. Wait for things
to stop making you cry, like comedians he
used to imitate and people on the street that
look like him. When they don't, find a pain-
less way to kill yourself and let your friend
talk you out of it over and over and over again.
Hold him. Cry.
Finish your sandwich and drink ice water.
As the cold seeps down, try to give her boy-
friend a last name. Fit together the pieces--
he, the accident, the relationship. Wendy,
whom you do not know. Wonder if she will
grieve in her dreams.
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