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WEATHER: UMPR£DtC.TASLli. PROFESSOR ELECTION VICTOR Capitol Comments NATION MOURNS by America officially chose a replace- Candy Date son. The next President of the Brains Jerk- ment today for Limpid United States is believed by the The inauguration of President usual unreliable sources to be one Snurd was a gala affair, with the ex- Fred Snurd, a professor at a small quisite touch of Mrs. Snurd evident liberal arts college, who never de- everywhere: peanut butter and jelly clared candidacy. His Vice-President sandwiches with the crusts cut off, is John Linseed, Mayor of Fun City, the talented Church Choral Rock a declared presidential candidate. Band from the President's home His wife will continue to be ob- town, and Mrs. Snurd's own high Co-ed Directress noxious. school J.V. Track and Field Team Parade were only some of her in- Is Near-Suicide genious innovations. Miss Elizabeth Wade, directress Meanwhile, your faithful reporter spotted Lady Snurd herself off in a of a Western Maryland College pro- is re- "Wee, The People," duction, corner tete-a-tete-ing with Vice-Pres- ported in satisfactory condition today after leaping from stage into the seventh row of orchestra seats. Authorities speculate that Miss Wade buckled under the severe strain of directing the two-act satire which dealt with the events surrounding a presidential elec- tion. The play was presented by the Junior Class of the college. DEADLY DEBATES: Before a nationwide television audience, three presidential candi- ._---- dates yesterday presented their platforms in a hot and heavy debate. Participating in the slugfest were Nouveau Gauche party candidate Senator Bobby Candy, Fun City Mayor John Linseed, and General Bleary Rockwater. Tintillating Tina Snurd and Veep discuss domestic policy during Inaugural fes- tivities. ident Linseed. Not that we cast as- persions on that handsome twosome, but Linseed is the most eligible bachelor in Washington these days. Nasty rumors have it that the Veep and the First Lady are a little too close, but of course we'll have none of that in this column! Nonetheless, we did see Linseed and Mrs. Snurd together at the opening of ex-Presi- dent Jerkson's new television station in downtown Perenales. 215