Page 22 - Contrast1971Spring

You see my front door was flanked on the left by a closet opening perpendicularly to it
and on the right by a window. This particular morning, however, the wall continued unbroken
from closet to window. There was no door punctuating it as there had always been. Indeed it
was as though I had imagined the door's very existence. I have never been as completely as-
tounded before or since. Absolutely confounded. Imagine yourself in a similar situation, that's
the only way to see how I felt that morning in April, only it was real, I'll swear it.

I leaned forward and touched the space where the door should have been. Very gingerly
at first, then with conviction, stroking it first with fingertips, then with knuckles. I gave it a rap.
It was no illusion, I assure you ... the wall wasthere. I backpedalled till I felt tbe chair I was
aiming for against the back of my legs. I sat down, rather heavily I remember. Imagine if you can
the severe sense of disorientation. It was unbelievable, staggering. Attempts at explanation came
to mind and as quickly were discarded. The wrong room? Impossible! A grim practical joke of
some kind? Absurd! I blinked my eyes surely for the first time since I had seen the wall. Nothing
changed and I hadn't really expected it would. Why? How? It was useless to question. There
was no explanation. There couldn't have been. I was getting scared and there was no way to dis-
pel the growing fear through logic as I had done so many times before. I began feeling vaguely
sick down in the pit of my stomach. I swallowed several times and leaning back closed my eyes.

I opened them again having no idea how long I'd sat there thinking. I arose and started
toward the kitchen. I remember glancing repeatedly over my shoulder to see if it was really so.
Nothing changed. I had to get out. I was still looking back when I entered the kitchen and when
I brought my stare around I feel as though I don't actually have to say it. The kitchen door,
or rather the lack of one If it was possible, my eyes opened even wider. I was beginning to
shake. My breathing grew faster, my exhalation nervous like a thousand short, distinct puffs.
The strength left my legs and putting my right hand out to touch the table and break my fall I
collapsed into a chair. I'm not sure but I think I let escape a groan, a deep uncontrollable one
that in itself terrified me even more. I'd done the same only once before. When I was truly
terrified, on a battlefield in France some years before. I wanted to run for a window, to escape
but a grim fascination was overpowering the fear. It was a struggle that I felt sure curiosity
would lose in but a few minutes.